I was walking to work via Kersland Lane when I saw the headline: "BIN LADEN DEAD" printed on the front of a passerby's fresh-off-the-press tabloid. When I saw this headline, I didn't realise its significance.
I'm so used to seeing the full name, Osama Bin Laden, so when I saw "Bin Laden dead", I thought they meant, THE bin-laden are dead. As in:
Bin: |bin|
noun [with adj. ]
a receptacle for storing a specified substance : a vegetable bin.
laden: |lādn|
adjective
heavily loaded or weighed down : a tree laden with apples | [in combination ] the moisture-laden air.
Basically, I thought that people covered in bins had died. I was shocked and horrified to say the least:
"How could this happen in this day in age?! How has our society fallen this far?!", I put to the newspaper-reader.
"They're celebrating in New York" the passer-by replied calmly.
Angered, I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. I shook her and shook her, till I realised she was quite attractive.
"Sorry", I said, "I just can't believe this news...
gimme your number"
"NO", she said sternly, and walked briskly away toward the safety of Great Western Road.
I still don't understand what her problem was, unfriendly I suppose. Probably a lesbian.
So I continued to walk down the lane, and saw council workers rummaging through a heap of rubbish by the bins behind my flat. There was a blue and white police ribbon sealing off the area too. I ran over and punched one. Scuffled with an other.
I just couldn't believe that such a tragedy could happen on my own doorstep.
"Where are they?! where are the bodies you bastards?!"
With tooth and nail I searched frantically amongst the litter for the bodies. At school I learned the Dr's ABC, and believed I could bring them back to life.
There was no Danger, no Response, and no Airway, Breathing or Circulation to revive, as there were no bodies. I stood, puzzled, and scratched my head. The councilmen looked as confused and perplexed as I did.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" they pleaded. I started to reply, when a sheet of newspaper gently and innocently floated like a snowflake to the ground at my feet. Looking down, I was greeted with an image of Osama Bin Laden, the text displaying the message: "Gotcha".
It then dawned on me. Ashamed, and embarrassed, I told the council workers to go fuck themselves, so as to save face, that I was insulted by their lack of enthusiasm, and I hope the cuts hit them hard.
I then checked my phone to read about the news myself.
It's hillarious that he was booted overboard. How American! I heard a rumor that the navy seals brought a crate of American beer on board to celebrate. The captain said: "this vessel's carrying too much weight. It's either that crate of American beer, or Osama Bin Laden that's going overboard."
A Seal of Scottish heritage then Scottish hammer threw him over board.
5 seconds later and the Navy Seals were daring each other to take a shot of Bud Lite.
"I can shoot the World's number one terrorist target twice in the head, but I aint no psycho. No Navy Seal training can prepare me to take a God Damn shot of American Beer" said Hicks, the Seal from Tennessee.
After hours of naked wrestling and beer drinking on deck only one seal made it back to the States. Unfortunately when he stepped off of the vessel he collapsed from beer poisoning.
May these fine American men rest in peace. I hope they have Bud lite flowing through Heaven's taps.
Toppsy
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